FLYING SOLO...EASTER EDITION.
Holiday’s are sometimes the worst times of the year for people who have depression. Just prior to writing this post I spoke with my grandmother who lives a few hours away and she told me how alone she felt today, So I figured I’d talk some about my experiences relating to holiday loneliness. I’ve dealt with these feeling quite often in the past. They still rear their head every now and then , but I’m able to control them nowadays. Lets just do some random bullet points to get the thoughts flowing.
THE PAST PAIN:
I remember being alone on one christmas and didn’t have dinner or anyone to be with…Pain was so unbearable. Thats what I remember the most. The heaviness of the pain. I was driving around just to keep my mind off of it. You have to keep in mind That I dealt with depression 24/365. I viewed myself as something society didn’t want. So, here comes the day when everyone should be with there family, friends etc. and again I’m alone. It solidified in my mind that I was truly some sort of unwanted thing. that was essentially forgotten about.
Another thing I remember feeling during the holidays and honestly all of the other days of the year was the fact that I would sit and watch people and think that everyone had someone to be with, but me. This was amplified by the nature of the holidays. Now I know just because someone who has a person or people in their life may not be happy. But when you are so low and have such a disgust for who you are you don’t think of that. I thought to myself ‘ you are such a disgusting freak that you have been essentially exiled by humanity’. I also remember thinking not to long ago actually ,that its possibly an evolutionary thing because of my physical differences , where maybe I’m single , so that my ‘bad’ genes will die off and won’t continue a corrupt lineage. I know, I know…
THE FUTURE GAIN:
Holidays are hard for many. some people truly do not have anyone to be with and to those people my heart goes out to you. However I am sure you have grown through that situation to where you are strong enough to get through it. I have grown myself. I still feel the pain and the loneliness…And honestly I still do things like this blog to deal with the pain. I also realize that I can’t rely on the majority of people to understand what I’m going through or even understand what depression is. Only those who have gone through it or those who truly want to understand can help.
If you’re dealing with some grief or loneliness over the holidays or whenever…. realize you are not alone. I encourage you to create something to expel those negative vibes and create positive ones.
I’m here if you need to chat. Happy Easter. Dan