What is love?.. Baby don’t hurt me..don’t hurt me.. No more.
Ahh the 80’s.(actually early 90’s) No matter how cliché, Those words have a lot of clout when talking about mental health and relationships.
What is love?
I am the last person you would wanna ask this question too, However I can give you examples of how I viewed myself in the past and now, which reciprocates the way I care for people.
I think the best way for me to for me to communicate this would be in a list format.
How I viewed myself:
I’m ugly, worthless, uneducated , unwanted, physically disgusting, a waste of time, an accident that should have been erased, nobody will ever love me or want to marry me, why should they I’m not worth it, there’s so many more worthwhile people out there, I’m a stress on my family, the world would be better off without me, I’m so alone, it’s because I’m not worth the time, Hopefully something happens to me so this pain stops…etc, etc…
How I loved others:
Because I’m ugly, worthless etc….
I must do everything I can to show this person I care because they may leave me for someone better, I'm not good enough so I must reach out to some other avenues to make me worth while (religion etc.). I must hold these struggles I’m going through within because no-one wants to hear about that stuff, It would be best if I just killed myself because then my family and loved ones wouldn’t have to deal with my negative bullshit anymore.
Ugh. Uplifting I know…Please just keep in mind that a lot of people who are going through similar things feel the same way. They may love you with all of their heart, but the pain from how they feel causes their feelings to become “confused” or will cause them to withdraw because of the constant battle within. It is very difficult to love someone so much , but at the sometime hate yourself, thinking that your not good enough for the person you care for. In my past I was told that I was good enough in certain situations, but couldn’t reconcile how that could be. Therefore I essentially self destructed and ruined those opportunities and relationships. Again keep in mind, If someone you care for is withdrawing or is acting in some similar way, just sit down and hear them out. With empathy and respect ask them whats up. Let them talk rather than you commanding the conversation. People just wanna be heard and especially when they feel like I described above. It’s a lonely , lonely place to be in when you feel worthless and feel like nobody cares.
Ok , enough of that. Lets move on to how things are for me now that I have some control of my mental health.
How I view myself today:
I am worthwhile, confident, strong, creative, intelligent, an inspiration, loving, worth love, clear minded, empathetic , self aware, respectful to all life, aware of how extremely lucky we are to be alive, aware that I have complete control of my life and where it goes, no one’s negativity will ever affect my well being ever again, I understand myself now and know how to create an amazing life for myself. I am not that different than anyone else no matter how they treat me or view me, I am a well rounded individual who has a lot to offer, I am confident (most of the time) in my physical self, My depth of character is attractive and I am one badass mofo…
How I love others today:
Today I can genuinely say that I love humans. In the past I could not stand people because I was treated poorly by so many. I also felt inferior to most which caused me to withdraw. Today however, The stories we all have are deeply intriguing to me. It excites me to get to know people because the more I get to know them the more I see we aren’t all that different in how we feel. I can help so many by just being open and real about my experiences,The bond that is created through that is something I wouldn't trade for anything.
Being vulnerable is how I love others today. I have nothing to hide, therefore there is nothing else but love to expect.